Relax You Are Going To Die

The Buddhists have a saying....Relax, you are going to die. It is a profound little ditty that sums "it" up quite nicely. Keep your shit together people, I am not suggesting that we all give up and commit mass suicide, just that maybe we need to spend a few minutes NOT FREAKING OUT and finding some pleasure in the present....while we are in fact not dead.

We are fast approaching the 10th anniversary of Mike's open heart surgery. On December 16, 2002, Mike had his Aortic Valve replaced. Thanks to a physical required for application for an Army ROTC scholarship, Mike's heart issue was discovered in the spring of 1983. Mike was 19 years old, an athlete, extremely fit and it was a shock to everyone. The Army turned him down, but eventually he found a way to serve.... a classroom warrier.

I can't really speak to the stress of knowing about his heart valve for Mike. He was aware, given his activity level and he knew he needed to watch for worsening symptoms (shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, light headedness). Overtime, migrains. Maybe from the stress...who knows. Later, he would complain that his extremities would get cold....and they would. ICE COLD! When he was sleeping, the whooshing sound of his heart was audible.

So when, at 38, his symptoms became acute, it was time to do the surgery.
And, HE DID NOT DIE... AND, neither did I - but it was terrifying. Damek was 12, Sadie, 9 and Simone, 5. 10 years have past. A lifetime. A day. A lifetime. The point is ....he is STILL going to die and so will I - just hopefully NOT TODAY.

At 48, I am quite sure not everyone 'gets' Mike and me. Let's just say, we drive each other crazy. I find him endearingly ridiculous. He finds me irritating. That said, I adore him. I do. He is predictably cranky and fussy. I do things 'willy nilly' - just to keep him on his toes. The small stuff of the day - ultimately none of it matters. It all matters.

I joke about trying to keep Mike alive, but something DID change when we were 10 years younger than we are now, considering that he might die. It is the knowing that today is what we have and trying to be PRESENT for the day. So if I am mad and swearing and yelling at Mike, I love him. If he is bitching about the cat litter or how much I paid for milk, he loves me. So we have learned to love and live with each other...and inspite of the look and sound of us, we are pretty relaxed knowing that ONE day we will both die.

"And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Lennon and McCartney.