Slow Comfortable Screw on the Wall

So, if you are reading this and you know me, you also know that my husband, Michael C. Horner, is predictably unpredictable. I have been recently riding his ass about his negativity and unrelenting criticism of my lack of enthusiam for making three meals a day for him (day after day after day). I am admittedly not a great cook, but I do make an effort to grocery shop, mix from scratch healthy waffle and pancake batter, make sandwiches on grainy bread and throw in a fruit or vegetable when I can. I kind of go thru my rotation of passable meals and then I do - I acknowledge without reservation - getting fucking tired of feeding this man.....so while his commentary may have some truth to it....we both need get over it.

This is where we have been for the last few weeks....in a marital stalemate about meals and attitudes and tone. Married people know EXACTLY what I am talking about. So, tonight I was late coming home and as I walked up to the back deck, I can see Mike in the kitchen. He is clearly talking to someone and is smiling and pleasant and happy. So I watch him, because this version of Mike has been absent from me (due to my enthusiam deficit). Anyway, I watch a few moments and decide to enter.

I am greeted with a kiss and asked about my day (NO ONE EVER WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT MY DAY)...so I am again pleasantly surprised. THEN I notice that Mike is wearing his socks and shoes AND his 'panties' (actually boxer briefs, but I prefer to call all underwear panties) and  a t-shirt. Mike is commonly seen (by anyone who has stopped by my house) in his panties....but he usually has taken his shoes off. Anyway, I stupidly ask him why he is wearing his shoes while being in his 'panties'....and he begins to dance a sultry dance in the kitchen in his underpants. NOTE: This entire scene is being witnessed by Simone, who is the last hope of us not ruining a kid with our poor parenting skills (we haven't messed Damek and Sadie up TOO badly - however, Simone has the potential to be the best one yet). The dance helps explain (and I am merely guessing here) that he is feels good about taking the recycling and trash to the curb in the panty getup, black socks and shoes. Why? Because it is COMFORTABLE......and THEN, Mike shares with me  that his attire is a shout out to the new Southern Comfort commercial (link provided).

Out of the blue - while jiggling and swaying around the kitchen sink, Mike announces that a Slow Comfortable Screw on the Wall is his ALL TIME FAVORITE DRINK (the drink involves Sloe Gin, Southern Comfort, orange juice...maybe something else). In my 31 year relationship with Mike (clearly I have not been paying attention), I have NEVER, not once, heard him order or make this drink. SO, once again, I am engaged, intrigued and entertained by the idiot I live with. He is a grown ass man, dancing in his panties (black socks, shoes) in the kitchen, declaring his fondness for an alcoholic drink (I am not even addressing the NAME of the drink) in front of the one kid we might not mar for life.

This whole episode delights me so much that I might just be inspired to rekindle my waning enthusiam for cooking. I am DEFINITELY buying some Southern Comfort. And, although I will not tell Mike - the confidence and positive attitude tonight was pretty hot....just like the guy in the ad... rocking it in your panties takes balls.

Relax You Are Going To Die

The Buddhists have a saying....Relax, you are going to die. It is a profound little ditty that sums "it" up quite nicely. Keep your shit together people, I am not suggesting that we all give up and commit mass suicide, just that maybe we need to spend a few minutes NOT FREAKING OUT and finding some pleasure in the present....while we are in fact not dead.

We are fast approaching the 10th anniversary of Mike's open heart surgery. On December 16, 2002, Mike had his Aortic Valve replaced. Thanks to a physical required for application for an Army ROTC scholarship, Mike's heart issue was discovered in the spring of 1983. Mike was 19 years old, an athlete, extremely fit and it was a shock to everyone. The Army turned him down, but eventually he found a way to serve.... a classroom warrier.

I can't really speak to the stress of knowing about his heart valve for Mike. He was aware, given his activity level and he knew he needed to watch for worsening symptoms (shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, light headedness). Overtime, migrains. Maybe from the stress...who knows. Later, he would complain that his extremities would get cold....and they would. ICE COLD! When he was sleeping, the whooshing sound of his heart was audible.

So when, at 38, his symptoms became acute, it was time to do the surgery.
And, HE DID NOT DIE... AND, neither did I - but it was terrifying. Damek was 12, Sadie, 9 and Simone, 5. 10 years have past. A lifetime. A day. A lifetime. The point is ....he is STILL going to die and so will I - just hopefully NOT TODAY.

At 48, I am quite sure not everyone 'gets' Mike and me. Let's just say, we drive each other crazy. I find him endearingly ridiculous. He finds me irritating. That said, I adore him. I do. He is predictably cranky and fussy. I do things 'willy nilly' - just to keep him on his toes. The small stuff of the day - ultimately none of it matters. It all matters.

I joke about trying to keep Mike alive, but something DID change when we were 10 years younger than we are now, considering that he might die. It is the knowing that today is what we have and trying to be PRESENT for the day. So if I am mad and swearing and yelling at Mike, I love him. If he is bitching about the cat litter or how much I paid for milk, he loves me. So we have learned to love and live with each other...and inspite of the look and sound of us, we are pretty relaxed knowing that ONE day we will both die.

"And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Lennon and McCartney.

November Blues

It is not a secret that I do not relish the 4 months of November, December, January, and February. Having just started November, I am trying to embrace the season. It kicks my ass every year. Thank goodness I live in the South, where the weather is usually better than many parts of the country. Having acknowledged that I have a problem, I would like to share a few things I hate about November....

The end of Daylight Savings Time....or 'Summer Time' as it is called in some parts of the world. Doubting that the time change advocates care what I think, but I actually do not care about saving energy. Don't tell Mike, he loves conservation and recycling and turning off lights everywhere he goes. I KNOW it costs more to heat my house than it does to cool it (thanks to my fancy Geothermal heat pump), but I am pretty sure that part of the increase in cost during the winter is due to the fact that we have the lights on for longer periods of time every day.  Obviously, the change in time is not SAVING me any money. I know once we adjust our clocks on Sunday that we are in the 'real time' but I like it the way it is NOW. I have a few more days!

Dismal fact! I lose my TAN. I look better with a tan. I draw the line at using tanning beds, but I love to sunbathe - as has been mentioned before. I did manage to lay out on my deck in mid October for about 3 hours (10/12 to be exact) in a last ditch effort to maintain my sun kissed tan, BUT even I will not lay out again until March. Without a tan, my skin turns pasty white requiring me to ACTUALLY pay close attention to my leg shaving regimen during the winter months....which is already really pissing me off. Just when I could benefit from NOT shaving, possibly gain some warmth from furry legs, I have to become more vigilant.

My feet hate the cold. Wearing socks and full coverage shoes is just awful! My feet actually SUFFER during the winter months by having to be enclosed in shoes. I try to be accepting and wear 'slids' or clogs and go sockless, but I am GIANT wuss. Once my feet get cold, I am not nice anymore. If my feet hurt even a little, I immediately contact my personal foot specialist orthopaedic surgeon. NOT THAT I WOULD EVER IN A MILLION YEARS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE ALLOW CHRIS TESTERMAN TO PERFORM SURGERY ON MY FEET. Every fall, I do, however, feel it necessary to have her SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME about wearing properly fitted shoes and threatening to give me an injection, blah blah blah......Chris is a fabulous doctor and better yet a tolerant friend who UNDERSTANDS my feet. I am wearing smartwool socks and Keen clogs as I type this....not sexy, but Testerman approved. So there is that.

Speaking of sexy, I lose my sex appeal...if you are one of my children...stop reading here. It is hard to maintain my well documented status as a vixen when I am wearing layers of super NOT sexy undergarments. I have a wide array of undershirts....wife beaters to high end high tech wools tanks. Not a one remotely sexy. Leggings and tights don't do much for my stocky legs - at least bare skin (when tan) has to possibility of sex appeal. Along the lines of having to shave...in the winter, my middle age facial hair becomes more visible. I have to step up my game managing my eyebrows and mustache issues.....IT IS A BIG DEAL and not very sexy.
The cold weather kills my sex life....WHY? cuddling in the cold should be good for the sex life you say....well maybe....but I don't really take my clothes off for the better part of 6 weeks in the DEAD of WINTER because it is COLD AS SHIT. IT IS NOT SEXY TIME. It is wear your moth eaten old cashmere sweaters to bed time with your wool long johns and smartwool socks.

Good things about November, Thanksgiving is a great holiday. I do love the family time and the food. So even though I have a lot of issues beginning in November, I am going to try not to let the November Blues get me down.

Chin up....but I better double check the chin hairs first :)!