I have lived in old houses most of my adult life....after a nomadic childhood living in post WWII military housing and the occasional 1970's split level or rancher with a carport....I find myself drawn in spite of above average intelligence to OLD houses. Presently, and for nearly 17 years now, I have lived in a 1906 Neoclassical Victorian. Prior to the 1018, I lived in an American Four Square on Luttrell, and a Bungalow on Armstrong. The family that Mike and I purchased 1018 from had owned this home for 40 years! SO, we got lucky. Another time - another post....the great adventure of old house renovation.
TODAY, however, I have just gone on my usual walk...using the wonderful sidewalks of Old North Knoxville and Fourth and Gill neighborhoods to walk thru history in Knoxville. I love these sidewalks and have spent literally a million hours pushing strollers and my baby jogger, jogging alone and with my kids and Mike up and down these lovely tree lined streets.
I am going to list some things I love about living here.
1. Having legit sidewalks - not the pretend ones that you see in the burbs....these sidewalks still provide legit paths for many folks living downtown that do not own cars or bicycles. In 2012, it is hard to imagine that there are actually people who do not own cars, but in my neighborhood (thanks to a rent subsidized apartment complex and a few shelters), I am reminded not everyone has a car. I am grateful that I do - but sometimes wish I did not need one for my daily life.
2. The number of churches in my neighborhood. I walked past 6 churches in less than a 3 mile walk....and all of these churches have been here for the better part of the last 100 years. In fact, one of them, Central United Methodist was my Granny Dot's girlhood church. Pretty cool to walk past it.
3. Speaking of Granny Dot, my Dad's mother, Dorothy Jensey Maxey Massey was raised on Morgan Street in Fourth and Gill. She was one of the first (if not the first) FEMALE cheerleaders at Knoxville High School. I NEVER walk past the corner where her house once stood without thinking about her. What an incredible gift to remember her so often, She has been gone for 19 years.
4. Knox High School is on the far end of Fourth and Gill...Knox County Schools still uses the building. We even have a savings account at the Knox County Federal Teachers Credit Union. They are so friendly there.
5. Street lights. I love them. I am always surprised that most suburban neighborhoods don't have street lights.
6. I adore front porches! I love walking by and seeing people on their porches, I love seeing the furniture on the porches. In both Fourth and Gill and Old North people use their porches as living spaces. I love to sit on my porch swing and watch the clouds roll by or a summer thunderstorm roll in.
7. I also get a kick out of the porches that serve as messy storage units for tenants - not all my neighbors are decorators. Sometimes you can not tell if people are moving in or out or just ran out of enthusiam for the unpacking. Some porches have the tools of the current renovation on them....it is fun to think what the owners are doing to the house.
8. What people do outside here. I saw several neighbors walking their dogs. I saw a young couple on their front lawn. She was cutting his hair while their dog lounged on their sidewalk. It was very sweet. They did not even notice me, they were so into each other and the haircut.
9. The Love Towers (the subsidized apartments) have a community garden. There is an older black woman who is always out in the evenings...she is always wearing a long sleeved shirt and long pants and a big straw hat, usually she is holding a garden hose, watering plants. AND she is always telling the other resident gardners what to do. I love this woman. Seriously, I have seen her out there for as long as I can remember them having a garden at the Love Towers.
10. I love Central Avenue.....Happy Hollow - the little area on Central Avenue that is home to a few new businesses...like Chop Shop hair salon, the Time Warp Tea Room (biker tea room?), the Tai Chi place, the Relix Theatre and Central Flats and Taps (my new favorite bar). I love Magpies, Central Books, and the Glowing Body yoga studio....KnoxTenn Rentals and the Tastee Freeze...and Three Rivers Market (the new Food Co-op) and the KenJo. I love these places. I even miss the Corner Lounge (now Central Books)...they had cheap beer, and interesting local live music...
One more...
I love that in my neighborhood, we have a Saint Tattoo, the famous Fellini's Kroger, Fulton High School, and St. Mary's Hospital (it will never be TennNova to me).
AND, my house. I love living here. I love that I raised my kids here. I love it. I do.
Happy last day of July 2012.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Why Women Can't Have It All
I heard the NPR interview and read the article in the Atlantic (worth the read even if you are not a tenured law professor working mom). And while I mostly agree with Ann-Marie Slaughter, my first thought was 'no shit".
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/
I am forever grateful to all the feminist who fought for women - and men, frankly, to have choices, but the article is only one person's experience (which she readily acknowledges) and much would have to change for anyone to have it all.
My generation of women grew up hearing that we could be anything we want....just as long as it was NOT 'just a full-time mother'. While I have worked most of the 22 years I have been a parent, I still get pissed when both men and women look down upon full-time stay at home parents. Having said this....several of these folks make the job look bad. They stay at home for the WRONG reasons. They don't necessarily take pride in the job. They do it half-assed and some even kind of apologize for it. Not everyone has the luxury of staying home to raise children and run a household full-time. Be proud and do your best, people.
One point the article does note is that it is CRITICAL that you pick the right partner. Again, no shit. No matter what you do professionally or not, the right life partner is key. Marriage and parenthood is hard enough - even harder is two people have different ideals about work/family balance. Be honest about wanting kids. Be honest about the lifestyle you want. Things happen that you can not control and you may have to ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS! At 32, Mike moved to Tennessee, switch from law to teaching and has been a fantastic (don't tell him I said this) life partner. However, he was judged unfairly for deciding to change careers from law to teaching to better balance parenthood. Both male and female folks implied laziness (before really getting to know him) or lack of ambition as the real reason for his decision. Now, he has been teaching for 13 years, we have certainly let this go. But society needs to respect choices for both sexes and not label folks or project ideals of success onto others. In our lives, this was one of the best decisions we made as a couple.
To my younger, single girlfriends, I give this advice. If you want to have a family someday......There is simply nothing sexier or sweeter than a man willing to bathe his kids, read to them and get them to bed so that you can clean up the kitchen, do some laundry, take a shower and shave your legs ALONE. A man who will do all of those chores so that you can bathe kids, read to them and put them to bed is EVEN BETTER - so that you can have a glass of wine with him once they are asleep. If he will take the screaming toddler to the parking lot at a swanky restaurant while you eat with the other adults in peace - SUPER SEXY. A man who will hire the babysitter (even if it is your own mother) so that you both can go have a beer to talk about a problem one of your kids is having - AWAY from the kid who is keeping both of you up at night worrying. HUGELY SEXY.
Here is the thing you want....A man who wants to be in YOUR business (and I am not talking dirty - but that applies as well), in your kids business and is truly engaged and commented to the day to day is a KEEPER. KEEP him. Keep him because you CAN NOT have it all. BUT you can have a lot more if you have the right person in your corner while you do the most important job any parent does - raising the kids.
I am not a foreign policy writer, or a tenured law professor, but I think I would like Ann-Marie Slaughter.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/
I am forever grateful to all the feminist who fought for women - and men, frankly, to have choices, but the article is only one person's experience (which she readily acknowledges) and much would have to change for anyone to have it all.
My generation of women grew up hearing that we could be anything we want....just as long as it was NOT 'just a full-time mother'. While I have worked most of the 22 years I have been a parent, I still get pissed when both men and women look down upon full-time stay at home parents. Having said this....several of these folks make the job look bad. They stay at home for the WRONG reasons. They don't necessarily take pride in the job. They do it half-assed and some even kind of apologize for it. Not everyone has the luxury of staying home to raise children and run a household full-time. Be proud and do your best, people.
One point the article does note is that it is CRITICAL that you pick the right partner. Again, no shit. No matter what you do professionally or not, the right life partner is key. Marriage and parenthood is hard enough - even harder is two people have different ideals about work/family balance. Be honest about wanting kids. Be honest about the lifestyle you want. Things happen that you can not control and you may have to ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS! At 32, Mike moved to Tennessee, switch from law to teaching and has been a fantastic (don't tell him I said this) life partner. However, he was judged unfairly for deciding to change careers from law to teaching to better balance parenthood. Both male and female folks implied laziness (before really getting to know him) or lack of ambition as the real reason for his decision. Now, he has been teaching for 13 years, we have certainly let this go. But society needs to respect choices for both sexes and not label folks or project ideals of success onto others. In our lives, this was one of the best decisions we made as a couple.
To my younger, single girlfriends, I give this advice. If you want to have a family someday......There is simply nothing sexier or sweeter than a man willing to bathe his kids, read to them and get them to bed so that you can clean up the kitchen, do some laundry, take a shower and shave your legs ALONE. A man who will do all of those chores so that you can bathe kids, read to them and put them to bed is EVEN BETTER - so that you can have a glass of wine with him once they are asleep. If he will take the screaming toddler to the parking lot at a swanky restaurant while you eat with the other adults in peace - SUPER SEXY. A man who will hire the babysitter (even if it is your own mother) so that you both can go have a beer to talk about a problem one of your kids is having - AWAY from the kid who is keeping both of you up at night worrying. HUGELY SEXY.
Here is the thing you want....A man who wants to be in YOUR business (and I am not talking dirty - but that applies as well), in your kids business and is truly engaged and commented to the day to day is a KEEPER. KEEP him. Keep him because you CAN NOT have it all. BUT you can have a lot more if you have the right person in your corner while you do the most important job any parent does - raising the kids.
I am not a foreign policy writer, or a tenured law professor, but I think I would like Ann-Marie Slaughter.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Listening
Reading lots of blogs and articles and taking in tons of information, I thought I might use this to sort out my own thoughts after filtering the 'noise'; risking the possibility of adding to the volume. I think we make things complicated and hard. Relax. Slow the fuck down. I like the noise, choas, and energy of ideas. I just want to process a moment before I move on.
Packing for the beach division of labor
All my friends know my preferred vacation is the beach. Doesn't really matter which body of water is involved - I like the way salt water makes my hair and skin slightly sticky, having sand in unmentionable places, and wearing nothing but a bathing suit for days on end. (Sadie's friends think I am always wearing my bathing suit at home on the back deck....and frankly, I do wear swim suits as much as possible from March until October - one of the perks of living in the South). Anyway, we are leaving for a partial family (not all members are going) trip to the Sunset Beach, NC, for Memorial Day week and I find the division of labor in packing interesting. Below is the typical division of labor.
I am in charge of all the linens, beach towels, regular towels, toilet paper, soap, shampoo, suncreen, beach chairs, board games, audio books for the car trip, directions to destination as we, the Massey Horners (aka Mike) are very suspicious of GPS devices (and technology in general). The Russians are extremely alert when watching our family's activities so NO GPS for us.....not even a smart phone among us. But, not to worry, George Massey (my Dad who just happens to be a retired Army Infantry Officer has the maps as well - just in case I prove myself unqualified).
I am, also, responsible for making sure all family members are packed appropriately....I remind them to bring several swim suits, flip flops, shorts, t-shirts, a sundress or two if female, at least ONE decent shirt if male. I remind teenagers to bring their OWN Ipods, cameras, books to read (or kindles), so that they will not KILL each other in the car. Pillows from home are optional but recommended. Oh, yes, and UNDERWEAR! People, pack your panties! Your siblings do not want to loan you any while on vacation and it sucks to purchase these on the trip. If you are female and have breasts that warrant bras - that is on you as well. Breast are still breasts at the beach and while freedom is nice, so is support. You know who you are, ladies.
I am also in charge of food - while yes we do live in America where restaurants of literally every possible food are littered along side Roosevelt's highways - we Massey-Horner's are delicate and super healthy so we can not just eat anywhere. It is a big job.
I failed to mention that the day before ANY long drive to a beach destination, there is ALWAYS at least one vehicle that requires maintenance.....new tires, or oil changes, or new brakes...it always involves Mike dissappearing for the entire day to take care of this maintenance item (that we could not risk waiting to address even ONE MORE WEEK). It is URGENT and takes a minimum of 4 hours to resolve...no matter what. Happens every single time....because I do plan our beach trips around vehicular maintenance. Doesn't everyone? Today is NO exception. Mike is out shopping tires as I write this.
In addition to vehicle maintenance, Mike is in charge of water flotation things (surf boards, etc). We keep them in the garage - conveniently.
Before loading the car - in our case, the fleet of vehicles - I try to determine who should ride with who and which car to load what into. Mike pretends to have no opinion - it is COMPLETELY 100% up to me when, how and where. Right up until the moment I am ready to ACTUALLY load the cars. THEN Mike tells me I am crazy.
No. We do not need to load the car the night before we plan to leave at the ass crack of dawn. No. We do not want to go get all the vehicles gassed up for the drive. Of course not. That doesn't make any sense at all. Much better to wait until the wee morning hours, when no one is fully awake, no one has had sufficient amounts of coffee to think straight and when people might cry. Some people cry early in the morning. Sometimes. I know I do. Sometimes. Usually before a long car ride with the man I married for better or worse, but might not have if full disclosure about packing for beach trips had been discussed. On really good trips, we have been close to COPS episodes - but we have matured over the last few years and no longer fight in the yard.* This is where I would like to thank Damek for being able to understand Mike's logic about packing the cars. As the only male offspring, I think it might a gender thing. Since we can not load the car (presummably because not everyone is packed - which really means Mike is not packed yet - which means he has not been listening for the past month as I have been gathering all the items listed above and placing them in the mud room where literally he has to walk past them EVERY SINGLE DAY), we agree to go to bed early so we can get started early.
Early to me is 9 pm. By the time I have realized that we are not in fact loading the car, it is already 11:45 pm (in another 15 minutes, it could be crying time for me....because technically after mid night, it is early the next morning).
In marriage, it is common practice to share a bedroom with your spouse. Mike and I are common people. We share a room. SO because Mike has not packed, I can not go to bed just yet. Mike has to sort thru his wardrobe for shorts, t-shirts, one decent shirt, compression shorts (not totally sure why - might be similar to the bra issue for girls), regular underwear, running shoes, soccer shoes, shower shoes, dress sandels, hiking sandels, and socks....lots of socks. Then he has to pack his DOP kit. The packing goes on for about an hour and a half. My eyes are wet, but no real tears. As of this present moment, Mike has not packed one item for our trip - we are scheduled to leave at 7 am.
Once I manage to fall asleep it feels like my alarm is going off. I get up, shower, make coffee, make breakfast (remember we don't eat on the road), wake everyone up....Mike sleeps. He HAS a really long drive ahead and needs another few minutes...45 minutes later he jumps in the shower. While Mike showers, I drag everything from the mudroom to the driveway. I make children get in the vehicles - except Damek - because he understands the male methodology of loading. THIS is about the time (let's say 6:45 am, because we actually all agreed to 7:15 am) that my parents pull up into the driveway and note that Mike is not outside yet and that the cars have not been loaded. BUT there is no tension. I would like to note that Mike looks spectacular - he could not look more attractive. I, however, usually look like I need a makeover - but then again I have been up for 2 hours, running around like a wild woman.
It takes about an hour to load the cars. There are lots of straps involved - mostly, the best I can tell, because Mike and Damek both like using all kinds of straps. 3 surf boards, 2 boogie boards, and George Massey, my Dad, is VERY impressed by all the straps - even though he is slightly irritated that we are behind schedule. My Mother has passed out all kinds of snacks to her grandchildren EVEN though the snacks do not meet healthy Massey Horner standards. So it's really good that everyone has had a lot of sugar before a 7 hour car ride. Everyone gets into a vehicle. Because we need gas, I call my folks using my stupid phone and tell them that we have to get gas for all the cars....Dad swears a military swear word (as opposed to a civilian one) and follows us to the cheapest gas station in Knox County (not the closest one to save time - we want to save 4 cents per gallon). We fill up. We get on the road.....the beach is just 7 short hours away - not counting stops.
I know this is only my side of the division of labor - but any friends who have gone with us know that this version is accurate and fair.
Keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. I will be in a bikini for the next 7 days!
* Footnote: dear friend, Russ Wise, gets credit for the COPS reference. He is also living the dream...married with kids, occasionally traveling with multi-generations of his family. He might have witnessed a historical COPS worthy fight of ours.
I am in charge of all the linens, beach towels, regular towels, toilet paper, soap, shampoo, suncreen, beach chairs, board games, audio books for the car trip, directions to destination as we, the Massey Horners (aka Mike) are very suspicious of GPS devices (and technology in general). The Russians are extremely alert when watching our family's activities so NO GPS for us.....not even a smart phone among us. But, not to worry, George Massey (my Dad who just happens to be a retired Army Infantry Officer has the maps as well - just in case I prove myself unqualified).
I am, also, responsible for making sure all family members are packed appropriately....I remind them to bring several swim suits, flip flops, shorts, t-shirts, a sundress or two if female, at least ONE decent shirt if male. I remind teenagers to bring their OWN Ipods, cameras, books to read (or kindles), so that they will not KILL each other in the car. Pillows from home are optional but recommended. Oh, yes, and UNDERWEAR! People, pack your panties! Your siblings do not want to loan you any while on vacation and it sucks to purchase these on the trip. If you are female and have breasts that warrant bras - that is on you as well. Breast are still breasts at the beach and while freedom is nice, so is support. You know who you are, ladies.
I am also in charge of food - while yes we do live in America where restaurants of literally every possible food are littered along side Roosevelt's highways - we Massey-Horner's are delicate and super healthy so we can not just eat anywhere. It is a big job.
I failed to mention that the day before ANY long drive to a beach destination, there is ALWAYS at least one vehicle that requires maintenance.....new tires, or oil changes, or new brakes...it always involves Mike dissappearing for the entire day to take care of this maintenance item (that we could not risk waiting to address even ONE MORE WEEK). It is URGENT and takes a minimum of 4 hours to resolve...no matter what. Happens every single time....because I do plan our beach trips around vehicular maintenance. Doesn't everyone? Today is NO exception. Mike is out shopping tires as I write this.
In addition to vehicle maintenance, Mike is in charge of water flotation things (surf boards, etc). We keep them in the garage - conveniently.
Before loading the car - in our case, the fleet of vehicles - I try to determine who should ride with who and which car to load what into. Mike pretends to have no opinion - it is COMPLETELY 100% up to me when, how and where. Right up until the moment I am ready to ACTUALLY load the cars. THEN Mike tells me I am crazy.
No. We do not need to load the car the night before we plan to leave at the ass crack of dawn. No. We do not want to go get all the vehicles gassed up for the drive. Of course not. That doesn't make any sense at all. Much better to wait until the wee morning hours, when no one is fully awake, no one has had sufficient amounts of coffee to think straight and when people might cry. Some people cry early in the morning. Sometimes. I know I do. Sometimes. Usually before a long car ride with the man I married for better or worse, but might not have if full disclosure about packing for beach trips had been discussed. On really good trips, we have been close to COPS episodes - but we have matured over the last few years and no longer fight in the yard.* This is where I would like to thank Damek for being able to understand Mike's logic about packing the cars. As the only male offspring, I think it might a gender thing. Since we can not load the car (presummably because not everyone is packed - which really means Mike is not packed yet - which means he has not been listening for the past month as I have been gathering all the items listed above and placing them in the mud room where literally he has to walk past them EVERY SINGLE DAY), we agree to go to bed early so we can get started early.
Early to me is 9 pm. By the time I have realized that we are not in fact loading the car, it is already 11:45 pm (in another 15 minutes, it could be crying time for me....because technically after mid night, it is early the next morning).
In marriage, it is common practice to share a bedroom with your spouse. Mike and I are common people. We share a room. SO because Mike has not packed, I can not go to bed just yet. Mike has to sort thru his wardrobe for shorts, t-shirts, one decent shirt, compression shorts (not totally sure why - might be similar to the bra issue for girls), regular underwear, running shoes, soccer shoes, shower shoes, dress sandels, hiking sandels, and socks....lots of socks. Then he has to pack his DOP kit. The packing goes on for about an hour and a half. My eyes are wet, but no real tears. As of this present moment, Mike has not packed one item for our trip - we are scheduled to leave at 7 am.
Once I manage to fall asleep it feels like my alarm is going off. I get up, shower, make coffee, make breakfast (remember we don't eat on the road), wake everyone up....Mike sleeps. He HAS a really long drive ahead and needs another few minutes...45 minutes later he jumps in the shower. While Mike showers, I drag everything from the mudroom to the driveway. I make children get in the vehicles - except Damek - because he understands the male methodology of loading. THIS is about the time (let's say 6:45 am, because we actually all agreed to 7:15 am) that my parents pull up into the driveway and note that Mike is not outside yet and that the cars have not been loaded. BUT there is no tension. I would like to note that Mike looks spectacular - he could not look more attractive. I, however, usually look like I need a makeover - but then again I have been up for 2 hours, running around like a wild woman.
It takes about an hour to load the cars. There are lots of straps involved - mostly, the best I can tell, because Mike and Damek both like using all kinds of straps. 3 surf boards, 2 boogie boards, and George Massey, my Dad, is VERY impressed by all the straps - even though he is slightly irritated that we are behind schedule. My Mother has passed out all kinds of snacks to her grandchildren EVEN though the snacks do not meet healthy Massey Horner standards. So it's really good that everyone has had a lot of sugar before a 7 hour car ride. Everyone gets into a vehicle. Because we need gas, I call my folks using my stupid phone and tell them that we have to get gas for all the cars....Dad swears a military swear word (as opposed to a civilian one) and follows us to the cheapest gas station in Knox County (not the closest one to save time - we want to save 4 cents per gallon). We fill up. We get on the road.....the beach is just 7 short hours away - not counting stops.
I know this is only my side of the division of labor - but any friends who have gone with us know that this version is accurate and fair.
Keep us in your thoughts tomorrow. I will be in a bikini for the next 7 days!
* Footnote: dear friend, Russ Wise, gets credit for the COPS reference. He is also living the dream...married with kids, occasionally traveling with multi-generations of his family. He might have witnessed a historical COPS worthy fight of ours.
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