Center of the Universe

I would really like to a funny blog about the mundane day to day challenges that all of my real life friends can  read and relate to but I got nothing right now. Mike is having a big heart procedure on Thursday and I am confident that we will get the best possible result....but it is still happening to the center of my universe and I am only human.

I have to give Mike kudos though....we met with the cardiologist last Friday, and after listening to the details of our worst scenarios and best options (of which there is only one), we walked to the car and drove straight to Pilot....for corn dogs and a 44 ounce coke....then on the chaperone the Eco Club Dance at the middle school.....BUSINESS AS USUAL. Mike built a very popular can crusher that the kids love to use to flatten the aluminum.

I am struck tonight as Mike is dozing with Judge Judy on the television by my complete dependence on others and my total exposure here. I am having to put my faith in complete strangers Thursday morning and I have to do it with some reasonable level of composure. I have faith in divine intervention.The marriage of miracle and science has already given me 10 extra years with Mike. I want more.

I would like to shout out to all my family, friends and acquaintances - send us some love. Mike is a tough guy and has faced down some scary shit before. I would personally like to appeal to the powers that be to give Mike more time to annoy me, more time to see what Damek, Sadie, and Simone become, more time to finish painting the fucking house....you know, more time.

" How Drunk is Drunk Enough?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_rPQ7YVHno

 Challenge to my friends of all ages - if you are so inclined.

Disclaimer: I AM NOT a religious studies professor or endorsing any particular faith.... I am a BELIEVER in a deep profound way in the power of GOD and the Universe. SO keep reading if you are interested in one girl's searching.

1. Read Bhagavad Gita - an ancient Hindu poem (preferable the Stephen Mitchell translation - because of its ease to read).  You can skip to the movie first....but come on, you guys love reading....and a promise you can read the Gita in an afternoon.

2. Then Watch the movie, "The Legend of Bagger Vance" -yes, Will Smith and Matt Damon....and Charlise Therone


As many people may know..the movie "The Legend of Bagger Vance" is loosely based on the Hindu work Bhagavad Gita. Everytime I read the Bhagavad Gita, I am inspired by both the gift and futility of our lives. AND, watching Bagger Vance the other night with Simone, I was reminded of those feelings. Maybe because Will Smith is awesome in his portrayal of Krishna or God...or a golf caddy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhHoPARnCn4

Let me know if you check this out and what you think.

There is so much in this movie that I love....the respect for the street sweeper, the love of an worthy opponent, the longing for days gone by...and the MOMENT of now.

One more in case you are not interested....yet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Mk2Tca88Xo

Be grateful to everyone.

In my most recent copy of Shambala Sun - a Buddhist bimonthly magazine - I was reading an article about Buddhist truths to help us cope with the drudgery of day to day. The major theme in pretty much every issue, frankly, is that we all have struggles and that non attachment is the way to ease the struggles.

One tip was to be grateful to everyone as you go through the day. Grateful to the people who help you, thankful for the makers of the items that make your life easier or simply just grateful.

So I decided to think of all the people I am grateful to that I don't even know. I mean, obviously, I have immense gratitude to my parents for my very existence. I am grateful for Mike - who loves me inspite of my shortcomings, my kids that amaze me and teach me. For friends that support me and call me out. Blah blah blah- you get it - I am so grateful for my bountiful blessings.

BUT THIS IS NOT THAT.

THIS - the grateful truth - is that we are dependent on each other. I owe a debt of gratitude to the automakers in the plant in the Toyota Kanji Iwate plant that made my car.  I am grateful to the coffee growers in South America for my coffee beans. I am grateful Nils Bohlin, the Swedish engineer and inventor responsible for the three-point lap and shoulder seatbelt. Hell, for inventors of many modern conveniences...electricity, plumbing, forced heat and air, bicycles......

I am grateful for NPR, the Beatles, MUSICIANS, artists, writers, teachers, doctors, shoe designers - I love a good slutty architectural shoe, I really do. I have NO idea what is involved in designing Tsubo shoes....but I love them.

I love my HOT ROLLERS - who ever invented that technology must have been dreaming of my HAIR.

My co-workers who make my day job both challenging and interesting and sometimes fun.

Gratitude for the farmers that grow my food. The truckers that haul it to the store. The clerks who stock the shelves and open up. The soldiers who defend freedom and human rights for all. The animals I live with, the ones I eat. The chickens that lay the eggs...bees that make honey. The cats that soothe and entertain me after a long days toil.

The receptionist at the yoga studio, the bank teller, the UPS person, the road maintenance folks for filling the pot hole and the auto techs who changed my tire.

Gratitude for the men that built my house in 1906.  The women who weave the fabric that my shirt is made from and the sheets on my bed. SO MANY PEOPLE contribute to my day. I could keep going on and on.

This litte truth proved to be sobering. It doesn't matter what you do, but it is so important to someone that you show up and do it. Even be grateful for the RUDE waitress or shop clerk....so you can appreciate when the next one is PLEASANT.

Try it. Be grateful to everyone.

Gandhi said that 'whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it'.

Be grateful to everyone.

Everybody Poops - in all seriousness

I have personally potty trained three people. Damek, Sadie and Simone....kids, you can thank me later. As most parents can tell you....the minute your kid gets it, you are suddenly aware of every public toilet at every store, restaurant and playground. Children love testing their new skills at any and every inconvenient moment. I had no idea how LUCKY we are....keep reading. Overtime, the kids adjust.

Mike got my folks a toilet for Christmas. Mike is infamous for his practical gifts. Mike is kind of an expert on toilets. He LOVES plumbing. Seriously, Mike loves plumbing. So when he visited the water closet at my parents house, it only took him one trip to notice the tiny toilet in their masterbath. UNACCEPTABLE. So, Mike got them a new one which is just what they were wishing for. The new one is what the marketing people call "Right Height"....and it uses .8 gallons of water per flush (Mike just came in and told me that I am unqualified to write about toilets and shared this info). NOTE: Mike is 6'2" so right height is relative....at 5'3', I don't necessarily agree with Mike on toilet bowl height. However, that said, Mom and Dad's original toilet was low even for me.

SO, Mike, Dad, and Damek spent 3 days of Christmas break installing the toilet and new tile floor - Mom slipped the new tile floor in on them. Family bonding time.

While reading my favorite online magazine www.elephantjournal.com , I stumbled across an article by Jayleigh Lewis. It's a sobering article about how 1 in 3 people don't have a SAFE place to go to the toilet. It discusses how sanitation issues are a leading cause of disease and even death - especially in children and the elderly. It details how girls in some countries QUIT SCHOOL at puberty when they start their periods due to embarrassment of not having a decent place to stay clean when menstruating.  How dangerous it can be for women in some places - to even find a place to squat!

WOW. I TOTALLY take my toilet for granted!

I knew my Dad had dug latrines in Vietnam - but that was 30 years ago...so I guess I simply did not think about the people in countries today that still need access to toilets.

PLEASE read the article - it is very informative and moving (no pun intended).

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/01/the-power-of-the-toilet-jayleigh-lewis/

If you don't take time to read the article...one link you MUST visit is....

www.toilettwinning.com - the website where you can twin your own toilet to a community that is without one...you even get a photo of the toilet you sponser as well as the GPS coordinates of your twin toilet. It's a charity based in England.

All joking aside, I look at my toilet today with a refreshed sense of gratitude. Hell, I look my personal plumber Mike with a refreshed sense of gratitude - ass crack and all. A good man to have around. Turns out, all kidding aside, Mike gave my folks a very thoughtful gift.

Stolen Ladders, Fellini Kroger, and love

So, we had 3 beat up, pitiful aluminum ladders stolen from the front yard a few nights ago. It's upsetting to have something stolen, but also sad that someone would steal such pitiful ladders. Truly crappy old ladders that you had to be specifically trained by Mike to raise and lower. Whoever the jackasses were that stole these ladders must have REALLY needed some ladders. Bummer for us and them. This happened on a particularly rainy and freezing night....so I hope the jackasses use the ladders for good purposes. This is my inner Buddhist talking......

On the  morning that we discovered the ladders were gone, I had to go to Fellini Kroger. For those of you who don't live in North Knoxville, Fellini Kroger is a funky neighborhood grocery store. You never know what type of neighbor you might run into. There are college professors, tattoo artists, Love Tower residents, college students, docs and nurses from St. Mary's (I know there is a new name, but don't care), hipsters from Fourth and Gill. Customers can drive, walk, bicycle or take the bus to Fellini's. Late at night, sometimes there is a security guard who looks an awful lot like 'THE ROCK'  (aka Dwayne Johnson)....so I like to go late at night just in case.  If I thought 'THE ROCK' would frisk me, I might accidentally forget to pay for a candy bar or something.

Anyway, I was trudging thru the post holiday grocery shopping, buying the back to normal food staples - you know - nothing good (as most of you know, I am not the most excited about my role as family food fairy and master chef), feeling a bit sorry for myself due to the recent ladder theft and the freezing wind and drizzling rain for my chore time. I checked out, spending more than I wanted to. As I emptied my numerous bags into my car, a little elderly black woman was pushing her cart to the rusty Toyota parked next to me. I offered to help her unload her bags - there were only 2. One full of collard greens and the other potato chips. She also had a twelve pack of Big K cola - not sure what her menu might have been. However, she refused my offer. So I told her I would at least roll her cart back to the cart rack. Then this adorable little woman looked me right in the eye (really looked right at me) and said. " I love you. Now, you have a blessed day and a happy New Year, baby."  It was so sweet and totally unexpected. I smiled at her, thanked her and rolled her cart away. By the time, I walked back toward our cars, she was already in hers, waving and ready to leave. I waved back as she pulled out while she blew me a kiss with her gloved hand. I was happy the rest of the day in spite of the ladder issue and the miserable weather. She was just what I needed.

So to all my friends and neighbors, even the jackass blokes that stole our ladders....."

"I love you. Now, have a blessed day and a Happy New Year, Baby."

World Peace and Family Time

I am the mother to three people. I would say three children, but the truth is  they are young adults now. I have had the good fortune to have a wonderfully crazy and diverse extended family (a quirky combination of luck of the draw in my biological family, my failed first marriage and subsequent colorful second union with Mike, not to mention the decisions of other family members on choices of mates). I hope I have instilled in my people that all of their assorted parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and siblings are 'keepers'.  You can love someone and not be able to live with them. You can want the best for someone that gets under your skin. You can wish PEACE for your irritating  brother or sister (or cousin or ....even your Mother).

Loving Kindness Meditation (Metta)

May all beings be safe and protected.
May all beings be peaceful and happy.
May all beings be healthy and strong.
May all beings know love and be at ease.

As the holidays approach, with parties and family celebrations, let's all try to remember that we are connected by blood and affection, by chance and intention, by accident and divine coincidence. As we exchange gifts, let's remember it is not about the stuff. It's about the LOVE.

RELAX. Enjoy your irritating family. Embrace the logistical nightmare of coordinating events, arrival times, dietary restrictions, and make sure you have plenty to drink (alcohol is optional, but I recommend it) and paper supplies. If you can't embrace your own family, then world peace is probably out of the question.

I am going to practice some loving kindness for all my loves and their loves.

Namaste.

Slow Comfortable Screw on the Wall

So, if you are reading this and you know me, you also know that my husband, Michael C. Horner, is predictably unpredictable. I have been recently riding his ass about his negativity and unrelenting criticism of my lack of enthusiam for making three meals a day for him (day after day after day). I am admittedly not a great cook, but I do make an effort to grocery shop, mix from scratch healthy waffle and pancake batter, make sandwiches on grainy bread and throw in a fruit or vegetable when I can. I kind of go thru my rotation of passable meals and then I do - I acknowledge without reservation - getting fucking tired of feeding this man.....so while his commentary may have some truth to it....we both need get over it.

This is where we have been for the last few weeks....in a marital stalemate about meals and attitudes and tone. Married people know EXACTLY what I am talking about. So, tonight I was late coming home and as I walked up to the back deck, I can see Mike in the kitchen. He is clearly talking to someone and is smiling and pleasant and happy. So I watch him, because this version of Mike has been absent from me (due to my enthusiam deficit). Anyway, I watch a few moments and decide to enter.

I am greeted with a kiss and asked about my day (NO ONE EVER WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT MY DAY)...so I am again pleasantly surprised. THEN I notice that Mike is wearing his socks and shoes AND his 'panties' (actually boxer briefs, but I prefer to call all underwear panties) and  a t-shirt. Mike is commonly seen (by anyone who has stopped by my house) in his panties....but he usually has taken his shoes off. Anyway, I stupidly ask him why he is wearing his shoes while being in his 'panties'....and he begins to dance a sultry dance in the kitchen in his underpants. NOTE: This entire scene is being witnessed by Simone, who is the last hope of us not ruining a kid with our poor parenting skills (we haven't messed Damek and Sadie up TOO badly - however, Simone has the potential to be the best one yet). The dance helps explain (and I am merely guessing here) that he is feels good about taking the recycling and trash to the curb in the panty getup, black socks and shoes. Why? Because it is COMFORTABLE......and THEN, Mike shares with me  that his attire is a shout out to the new Southern Comfort commercial (link provided).

Out of the blue - while jiggling and swaying around the kitchen sink, Mike announces that a Slow Comfortable Screw on the Wall is his ALL TIME FAVORITE DRINK (the drink involves Sloe Gin, Southern Comfort, orange juice...maybe something else). In my 31 year relationship with Mike (clearly I have not been paying attention), I have NEVER, not once, heard him order or make this drink. SO, once again, I am engaged, intrigued and entertained by the idiot I live with. He is a grown ass man, dancing in his panties (black socks, shoes) in the kitchen, declaring his fondness for an alcoholic drink (I am not even addressing the NAME of the drink) in front of the one kid we might not mar for life.

This whole episode delights me so much that I might just be inspired to rekindle my waning enthusiam for cooking. I am DEFINITELY buying some Southern Comfort. And, although I will not tell Mike - the confidence and positive attitude tonight was pretty hot....just like the guy in the ad... rocking it in your panties takes balls.