It has been a minute since I wrote a anything. Frankly, it was too painful to write for quite awhile.....and then it was too joyful. Sadness - when you're in it - can be debilitating. Joy, the ridiculous joy and gratitude, of having a miracle happen. To witness a miracle. To be overwhelmed by the mercy of the universe - well, it is simply hard to share. You feel so much gratitude, but you KNOW, because you have been there, that others are suffering. You don't want to gloat about your joy and gratitude too much because you KNOW it can change. In our case, our great miracle was that Mike got a new heart - which of course means that another family lost a loved one. So there it is - JOY and PAIN - all wrapped up together, constantly.
So, in the last several years, since my last post on this blog, let's just say I have been trying to get my feet under me. I have to let myself FEEL the emotions - that I had to hold back when Mike was so sick and getting sicker. I held it together under some pretty tough circumstances - with the support of friends and family - but it was by a thread. Now, I struggle to find that sweet spot. I know pain when I see it. I look for joy in the unexpected moments. The irony that they usually travel together - hand in hand.
Our miracle was a pretty big deal. I have the magical mix of joy and sorrow most days. Things change. Things don't change.
All in all, I wallow in the joy.
Monday, August 5, 2019
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Relentless Adulthood
So I am about to hit a pretty big milestone in life....turning 50 (it actually will take place in February, but I am practicing saying it OUT LOUD). I am vacillating between total fucking denial and scheduling a face lift. Seriously, I don't feel physically old, but I do feel 'mature'. Some of you reading this may not think of me as mature, but I am not the ingenue I once was.
Not because I am mother to three young adults who, by the way, by virtue of their various request for attention are keeping me up to speed on the nuances of the 21st century. The old saying that you are only as happy as your most miserable child is true. Kids, spread out your request for maternal attention - so you can cut your old mom some slack.
I have spent the past six months in a primordial silent scream - and not because I am about to be 50 or that my kids are growing up and don't need me as much. But because I have watched my man, Mike, get a huge gut punch due to his bad luck as a kid with a virus that affected his heart. It is like a boxing match that the official doesn't stop. The punches just keep coming.
We get one chronic issue under control and then the things that help the first issue cause new issues. For those of you who know Mike personally, you can vouch that he ain't no whimp. He is the very definition of a BAD ASS. He shares his issues with very few and maintains a sense of humor - BUT as is the case with chronic issues, they get you when you are not looking. They are wily fuckers that don't care if you have shit to do. They make you cancel plans because they want your undivided attention. If you let your guard down, you are screwed. I have become a pseudo medical diagnostic female version of the TV character 'House". I have to be on my toes, mentally and literally documenting random trivial details of Mike's life. In the event of a mystery episodic illness, I have to be able to recreate the most recent series of events to try to determine the cause or origination of the problem. SO that when we go into the ER or call the pros (the multitude of medical professionals that know us without looking at Mike's medical records), we can give them accurate information about his present condition.
All this to say, I am now living ACUTELY in the present moment. I can not bask in ignorance or innocence that I have plenty of time, because you just never know. (So, children o' mine, please take care of your shit and DO IT NOW - before it is a virtual crisis situation.)
The Buddhists have five remembrances that we should all remember:
I cannot avoid aging.
I cannot avoid illness.
I cannot avoid death.
I cannot avoid being separated and parted from all that is dear and beloved to me.
The only thing I control is my actions.
SO.....in acceptance of relentless adulthood, I am standing firm about NOT coloring my hair. I am going to keep nagging Mike to rest more, keep meeting with Damek to help him stay focused, keep reminding Sadie that not everyone knows she is in charge (I totally feel her pain on this) and keep asking Simone to scoop the cat litter. These are the things I can control. It is RELENTLESS.
Not because I am mother to three young adults who, by the way, by virtue of their various request for attention are keeping me up to speed on the nuances of the 21st century. The old saying that you are only as happy as your most miserable child is true. Kids, spread out your request for maternal attention - so you can cut your old mom some slack.
I have spent the past six months in a primordial silent scream - and not because I am about to be 50 or that my kids are growing up and don't need me as much. But because I have watched my man, Mike, get a huge gut punch due to his bad luck as a kid with a virus that affected his heart. It is like a boxing match that the official doesn't stop. The punches just keep coming.
We get one chronic issue under control and then the things that help the first issue cause new issues. For those of you who know Mike personally, you can vouch that he ain't no whimp. He is the very definition of a BAD ASS. He shares his issues with very few and maintains a sense of humor - BUT as is the case with chronic issues, they get you when you are not looking. They are wily fuckers that don't care if you have shit to do. They make you cancel plans because they want your undivided attention. If you let your guard down, you are screwed. I have become a pseudo medical diagnostic female version of the TV character 'House". I have to be on my toes, mentally and literally documenting random trivial details of Mike's life. In the event of a mystery episodic illness, I have to be able to recreate the most recent series of events to try to determine the cause or origination of the problem. SO that when we go into the ER or call the pros (the multitude of medical professionals that know us without looking at Mike's medical records), we can give them accurate information about his present condition.
All this to say, I am now living ACUTELY in the present moment. I can not bask in ignorance or innocence that I have plenty of time, because you just never know. (So, children o' mine, please take care of your shit and DO IT NOW - before it is a virtual crisis situation.)
The Buddhists have five remembrances that we should all remember:
I cannot avoid aging.
I cannot avoid illness.
I cannot avoid death.
I cannot avoid being separated and parted from all that is dear and beloved to me.
The only thing I control is my actions.
SO.....in acceptance of relentless adulthood, I am standing firm about NOT coloring my hair. I am going to keep nagging Mike to rest more, keep meeting with Damek to help him stay focused, keep reminding Sadie that not everyone knows she is in charge (I totally feel her pain on this) and keep asking Simone to scoop the cat litter. These are the things I can control. It is RELENTLESS.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Not Naked Nor Afraid
I am 100% addicted to the Discovery Channel's show 'Naked and Afraid'. Two complete strangers are placed in a remote habitat to use their survival skills to survive for 21 days....completely naked. One man, one woman. No shoes, no panties, no bug spray. Are you fucking kidding me? No bug spray!!!!
At first, I did not want to watch it....not that the nudity bothers me. They fuzz out the boobs and balls....but it just seemed stupid. However, it is NOT stupid. It is very entertaining and educational. The two people have to build a shelter together...with their bare hands, except if one of them is clever enough to bring a knife (each one gets to bring one survival tool). Then they have to find WATER. Critically urgent to find water....people get dehydrated pretty quickly and then start bitching at each other - not to mention that humans can't survive more than a few days without water. Then there is the struggle to adjust to the conditions....heat, bugs, rain, predators....lack of food is a biggie, lack of sleep is a HUGE issue.
I recommend you watch it at least once.
I am not naked nor afraid. I have shoes, panties, and bug spray. I have a comfy bed, central heat and air, and water. I can grow some of my food....but have never killed my own food of any kind - someone else does this. Although when we lived in Germany, the locals did slaughter cows where we caught the school bus....and my Granny would wring a chicken's neck and then fry it up. I certainly have not eaten snakes or slugs...so it dawned on me that I may not actually be the bad ass that I consider myself to be. My Personal Survival Rating would probably be pretty low.
At first, I did not want to watch it....not that the nudity bothers me. They fuzz out the boobs and balls....but it just seemed stupid. However, it is NOT stupid. It is very entertaining and educational. The two people have to build a shelter together...with their bare hands, except if one of them is clever enough to bring a knife (each one gets to bring one survival tool). Then they have to find WATER. Critically urgent to find water....people get dehydrated pretty quickly and then start bitching at each other - not to mention that humans can't survive more than a few days without water. Then there is the struggle to adjust to the conditions....heat, bugs, rain, predators....lack of food is a biggie, lack of sleep is a HUGE issue.
I recommend you watch it at least once.
I am not naked nor afraid. I have shoes, panties, and bug spray. I have a comfy bed, central heat and air, and water. I can grow some of my food....but have never killed my own food of any kind - someone else does this. Although when we lived in Germany, the locals did slaughter cows where we caught the school bus....and my Granny would wring a chicken's neck and then fry it up. I certainly have not eaten snakes or slugs...so it dawned on me that I may not actually be the bad ass that I consider myself to be. My Personal Survival Rating would probably be pretty low.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Old Farts
The past month has been a pretty stressful time for Mike and me. His bum heart has taken us on yet another adventure - 4 weeks ago we had literally never heard of the technology that is now assisting his heart - keeping the rhythm normal' by sending electrical impulses to his heart hopefully helping his enlarged heart muscle work more efficiently. Astounding miraculous stuff! If his heart goes into atrial fibrillation, this tiny computer will shock him and keep him from 'sudden cardiac death'. Now, I think you all can agree - it has been a sobering time at the Massey Horner household. So far, no shocks! The good news is nothing else is wrong with him! (Medically speaking, anyway.)
So, right smack in the middle of our 49th birthdays - I am a month older than Mike - we venture into a whole realm of old people crap. Overnight, Mike went from taking one prescription for the past 10 years to having 5 daily meds. The simple schedule is daunting. I am the manager of the meds. Promptly, we invested in the swankiest pill cutter we could find as well as a weekly pill container with AM and PM slots. So, NOW, several times a day, I have the pleasure of gently reminding Mike to take the medicine of the moment. This morning's response from Mike was...."I do what I want, woman"....Make no mistake, he took his pill.
We have been advised to watch his sodium intake as well. AND Mike already thought I was a major buzz kill about his diet! We actually went to Fellini Kroger together and read labels while we shopped. OMG! Sodium! Now luckily, we eat a fairly low sodium diet - but we are on the look out, sodium, so watch your back. WARNING to all our friends - it will likely not be fun to eat out with us at all ever again.
The other item we are about to invest in is an adjustable bed You know, the ones like hospital beds that lift your head or feet or both. We had been heading this direction for 49 years, but we have arrived. We are fast becoming OLD FARTS.
We have a lot of new vocabulary to master, new technology to embrace and thankfully each other. I told Mike the other night that growing old suddenly feels like a privilege, and frankly, one I plan NOT to take for granted.
So next time you start to complain about old people, PAUSE, and remember not everyone gets to be one.
Be nice to someone older than you. If you are lucky, you too will be old some day.
So, right smack in the middle of our 49th birthdays - I am a month older than Mike - we venture into a whole realm of old people crap. Overnight, Mike went from taking one prescription for the past 10 years to having 5 daily meds. The simple schedule is daunting. I am the manager of the meds. Promptly, we invested in the swankiest pill cutter we could find as well as a weekly pill container with AM and PM slots. So, NOW, several times a day, I have the pleasure of gently reminding Mike to take the medicine of the moment. This morning's response from Mike was...."I do what I want, woman"....Make no mistake, he took his pill.
We have been advised to watch his sodium intake as well. AND Mike already thought I was a major buzz kill about his diet! We actually went to Fellini Kroger together and read labels while we shopped. OMG! Sodium! Now luckily, we eat a fairly low sodium diet - but we are on the look out, sodium, so watch your back. WARNING to all our friends - it will likely not be fun to eat out with us at all ever again.
The other item we are about to invest in is an adjustable bed You know, the ones like hospital beds that lift your head or feet or both. We had been heading this direction for 49 years, but we have arrived. We are fast becoming OLD FARTS.
We have a lot of new vocabulary to master, new technology to embrace and thankfully each other. I told Mike the other night that growing old suddenly feels like a privilege, and frankly, one I plan NOT to take for granted.
So next time you start to complain about old people, PAUSE, and remember not everyone gets to be one.
Be nice to someone older than you. If you are lucky, you too will be old some day.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Center of the Universe
I would really like to a funny blog about the mundane day to day challenges that all of my real life friends can read and relate to but I got nothing right now. Mike is having a big heart procedure on Thursday and I am confident that we will get the best possible result....but it is still happening to the center of my universe and I am only human.
I have to give Mike kudos though....we met with the cardiologist last Friday, and after listening to the details of our worst scenarios and best options (of which there is only one), we walked to the car and drove straight to Pilot....for corn dogs and a 44 ounce coke....then on the chaperone the Eco Club Dance at the middle school.....BUSINESS AS USUAL. Mike built a very popular can crusher that the kids love to use to flatten the aluminum.
I am struck tonight as Mike is dozing with Judge Judy on the television by my complete dependence on others and my total exposure here. I am having to put my faith in complete strangers Thursday morning and I have to do it with some reasonable level of composure. I have faith in divine intervention.The marriage of miracle and science has already given me 10 extra years with Mike. I want more.
I would like to shout out to all my family, friends and acquaintances - send us some love. Mike is a tough guy and has faced down some scary shit before. I would personally like to appeal to the powers that be to give Mike more time to annoy me, more time to see what Damek, Sadie, and Simone become, more time to finish painting the fucking house....you know, more time.
I have to give Mike kudos though....we met with the cardiologist last Friday, and after listening to the details of our worst scenarios and best options (of which there is only one), we walked to the car and drove straight to Pilot....for corn dogs and a 44 ounce coke....then on the chaperone the Eco Club Dance at the middle school.....BUSINESS AS USUAL. Mike built a very popular can crusher that the kids love to use to flatten the aluminum.
I am struck tonight as Mike is dozing with Judge Judy on the television by my complete dependence on others and my total exposure here. I am having to put my faith in complete strangers Thursday morning and I have to do it with some reasonable level of composure. I have faith in divine intervention.The marriage of miracle and science has already given me 10 extra years with Mike. I want more.
I would like to shout out to all my family, friends and acquaintances - send us some love. Mike is a tough guy and has faced down some scary shit before. I would personally like to appeal to the powers that be to give Mike more time to annoy me, more time to see what Damek, Sadie, and Simone become, more time to finish painting the fucking house....you know, more time.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
" How Drunk is Drunk Enough?"
Challenge to my friends of all ages - if you are so inclined.
Disclaimer: I AM NOT a religious studies professor or endorsing any particular faith.... I am a BELIEVER in a deep profound way in the power of GOD and the Universe. SO keep reading if you are interested in one girl's searching.1. Read Bhagavad Gita - an ancient Hindu poem (preferable the Stephen Mitchell translation - because of its ease to read). You can skip to the movie first....but come on, you guys love reading....and a promise you can read the Gita in an afternoon.
2. Then Watch the movie, "The Legend of Bagger Vance" -yes, Will Smith and Matt Damon....and Charlise Therone
As many people may know..the movie "The Legend of Bagger Vance" is loosely based on the Hindu work Bhagavad Gita. Everytime I read the Bhagavad Gita, I am inspired by both the gift and futility of our lives. AND, watching Bagger Vance the other night with Simone, I was reminded of those feelings. Maybe because Will Smith is awesome in his portrayal of Krishna or God...or a golf caddy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhHoPARnCn4
Let me know if you check this out and what you think.
There is so much in this movie that I love....the respect for the street sweeper, the love of an worthy opponent, the longing for days gone by...and the MOMENT of now.
One more in case you are not interested....yet.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Mk2Tca88Xo
Friday, February 8, 2013
Be grateful to everyone.
In my most recent copy of Shambala Sun - a Buddhist bimonthly magazine - I was reading an article about Buddhist truths to help us cope with the drudgery of day to day. The major theme in pretty much every issue, frankly, is that we all have struggles and that non attachment is the way to ease the struggles.
One tip was to be grateful to everyone as you go through the day. Grateful to the people who help you, thankful for the makers of the items that make your life easier or simply just grateful.
So I decided to think of all the people I am grateful to that I don't even know. I mean, obviously, I have immense gratitude to my parents for my very existence. I am grateful for Mike - who loves me inspite of my shortcomings, my kids that amaze me and teach me. For friends that support me and call me out. Blah blah blah- you get it - I am so grateful for my bountiful blessings.
BUT THIS IS NOT THAT.
THIS - the grateful truth - is that we are dependent on each other. I owe a debt of gratitude to the automakers in the plant in the Toyota Kanji Iwate plant that made my car. I am grateful to the coffee growers in South America for my coffee beans. I am grateful Nils Bohlin, the Swedish engineer and inventor responsible for the three-point lap and shoulder seatbelt. Hell, for inventors of many modern conveniences...electricity, plumbing, forced heat and air, bicycles......
I am grateful for NPR, the Beatles, MUSICIANS, artists, writers, teachers, doctors, shoe designers - I love a good slutty architectural shoe, I really do. I have NO idea what is involved in designing Tsubo shoes....but I love them.
I love my HOT ROLLERS - who ever invented that technology must have been dreaming of my HAIR.
My co-workers who make my day job both challenging and interesting and sometimes fun.
Gratitude for the farmers that grow my food. The truckers that haul it to the store. The clerks who stock the shelves and open up. The soldiers who defend freedom and human rights for all. The animals I live with, the ones I eat. The chickens that lay the eggs...bees that make honey. The cats that soothe and entertain me after a long days toil.
The receptionist at the yoga studio, the bank teller, the UPS person, the road maintenance folks for filling the pot hole and the auto techs who changed my tire.
Gratitude for the men that built my house in 1906. The women who weave the fabric that my shirt is made from and the sheets on my bed. SO MANY PEOPLE contribute to my day. I could keep going on and on.
This litte truth proved to be sobering. It doesn't matter what you do, but it is so important to someone that you show up and do it. Even be grateful for the RUDE waitress or shop clerk....so you can appreciate when the next one is PLEASANT.
Try it. Be grateful to everyone.
Gandhi said that 'whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it'.
Be grateful to everyone.
One tip was to be grateful to everyone as you go through the day. Grateful to the people who help you, thankful for the makers of the items that make your life easier or simply just grateful.
So I decided to think of all the people I am grateful to that I don't even know. I mean, obviously, I have immense gratitude to my parents for my very existence. I am grateful for Mike - who loves me inspite of my shortcomings, my kids that amaze me and teach me. For friends that support me and call me out. Blah blah blah- you get it - I am so grateful for my bountiful blessings.
BUT THIS IS NOT THAT.
THIS - the grateful truth - is that we are dependent on each other. I owe a debt of gratitude to the automakers in the plant in the Toyota Kanji Iwate plant that made my car. I am grateful to the coffee growers in South America for my coffee beans. I am grateful Nils Bohlin, the Swedish engineer and inventor responsible for the three-point lap and shoulder seatbelt. Hell, for inventors of many modern conveniences...electricity, plumbing, forced heat and air, bicycles......
I am grateful for NPR, the Beatles, MUSICIANS, artists, writers, teachers, doctors, shoe designers - I love a good slutty architectural shoe, I really do. I have NO idea what is involved in designing Tsubo shoes....but I love them.
I love my HOT ROLLERS - who ever invented that technology must have been dreaming of my HAIR.
My co-workers who make my day job both challenging and interesting and sometimes fun.
Gratitude for the farmers that grow my food. The truckers that haul it to the store. The clerks who stock the shelves and open up. The soldiers who defend freedom and human rights for all. The animals I live with, the ones I eat. The chickens that lay the eggs...bees that make honey. The cats that soothe and entertain me after a long days toil.
The receptionist at the yoga studio, the bank teller, the UPS person, the road maintenance folks for filling the pot hole and the auto techs who changed my tire.
Gratitude for the men that built my house in 1906. The women who weave the fabric that my shirt is made from and the sheets on my bed. SO MANY PEOPLE contribute to my day. I could keep going on and on.
This litte truth proved to be sobering. It doesn't matter what you do, but it is so important to someone that you show up and do it. Even be grateful for the RUDE waitress or shop clerk....so you can appreciate when the next one is PLEASANT.
Try it. Be grateful to everyone.
Gandhi said that 'whatever you do in life will be insignificant. But it's very important that you do it'.
Be grateful to everyone.
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