It has been a minute since I wrote a anything. Frankly, it was too painful to write for quite awhile.....and then it was too joyful. Sadness - when you're in it - can be debilitating. Joy, the ridiculous joy and gratitude, of having a miracle happen. To witness a miracle. To be overwhelmed by the mercy of the universe - well, it is simply hard to share. You feel so much gratitude, but you KNOW, because you have been there, that others are suffering. You don't want to gloat about your joy and gratitude too much because you KNOW it can change. In our case, our great miracle was that Mike got a new heart - which of course means that another family lost a loved one. So there it is - JOY and PAIN - all wrapped up together, constantly.
So, in the last several years, since my last post on this blog, let's just say I have been trying to get my feet under me. I have to let myself FEEL the emotions - that I had to hold back when Mike was so sick and getting sicker. I held it together under some pretty tough circumstances - with the support of friends and family - but it was by a thread. Now, I struggle to find that sweet spot. I know pain when I see it. I look for joy in the unexpected moments. The irony that they usually travel together - hand in hand.
Our miracle was a pretty big deal. I have the magical mix of joy and sorrow most days. Things change. Things don't change.
All in all, I wallow in the joy.
